Book 5 – Diomedes –
Ok, my name is Diomedes, I’m on the Greek side and this is about get confusing
so here’s a quick review. We’re battling the Trojans and for a series of
strange reasons, the gods start to take sides in this battle. Each one has his
or her own motive, but maybe they just got tired of sitting up there on Mount
Olympus waiting for someone to squeeze up some more nectar. So here it is:
Aphrodite, Ares and Apollo are fighting for the Trojans. Aphrodite because
Paris picked her way back in that wedding fiasco and Ares because he likes war,
I guess, and Aphrodite is his mom. Apollo’s involved because of that whole
booty girl controversy above. Hera and Athena are fighting for the Greeks
because Paris (a Trojan) didn’t pick them in the wedding bet and of course,
they are the main gods of the Greeks. Zeus is trying to stay out of trouble but
not doing a good job of it. To be very clear: the Greeks and the Trojans would
not be fighting at all if it weren’t for the gods. Zeus started it with the
whole Helen/Menelaus/Paris/Aphrodite/Hera/Athena “who’s the fairest” mess and
then kept it alive with by allowing Athena and Hera to intervene to keep the
action going. Repeatedly. So the crafty Pandarus wounds me in the battle, I
pray to Athena who is all too ready to pitch in. She endows me with superhuman
strength and I start to lay waste to the Trojan army, but she says I can only
confront Aphrodite among the gods on the battlefield. That’s fine at first as I
blast Aeneus, Aphrodite’s son. She comes to stop me from finishing him off so I
spear her in the wrist. This sends her back to the Olympus ER but then Apollo
jumps in the mix and I go after him. Athena gets pissed at me for forgetting my
vow to only go after Aphrodite, but it doesn’t really matter since Apollo eats
my lunch anyway. Hector and Ares on the Trojan side start to gel a bit and we
are put on the defensive. Odysseus steps
up and starts to drop numerous Trojans. Next thing I know both Hera and Athena
are on the battlefield fighting for the Greeks and gearing us up. Athena
retracts the Only-Aphrodite rule and she and I jump into a chariot and blow up
Ares, who also is forced to retreat to the Olympus ER, where in the waiting
room he is made fun of by Zeus for getting wounded by a mortal. Me! Ha ha ho
ho! [Don’t mention the fact that I had been given superhuman cheat codes by
Athena.]
