Iliad – Book Summary
as recounted by the main characters in the action
Backstory – Hector –
For me this whole story is a tragedy, because none of it would have happened if
not for those meddling gods or if Paris had any brains whatsoever. It all begins with Zeus hosting a party for
Achilles parents in which he intentionally did not invite Eris (goddess of
strife and discord, I smell Hera at work here). Eris shows up anyway and tosses
in an apple with an inscription that says: For
The Fairest. Needless to say, the goddesses Hera, Athena and Aphrodite each
lay claim to the apple. Zeus is asked to mediate. Not wanting to make a choice
that will get him in even more trouble than he normally is in with his family,
Zeus punts the decision to the Trojan mortal Paris. Competition ensues. Hera
offers Paris all of Asia if he chooses her. Athena offers wisdom and prowess in
battle. Aphrodite promises the most beautiful woman in the world. They all get
naked and pose in a garden for Renaissance painters. Now here’s where it gets stupid. In this
“judgement” there really is only once choice. Hera. Saying the boss’ wife is
the fairest at a party is like complementing her earrings. Just say: it’s you
Hera, and you can keep Asia. Everyone would have chuckled, Zeus and his wife
would have been pleased and the other gals would have just accused you of being
a suck up. But no, Paris gets talked into thinking with his @#$% by Aphrodite
(not the first guy in history to do that in her presence) and chooses her, thus
getting a shot at the most beautiful woman in the world. When he got back, I
had a hard few questions for him. If Helen was the most beautiful, doesn’t that
make her the de facto winner of the
fairest contest to? How old is Achilles? If we’ve been fighting for 9 years since
that party, is my main rival, the guy who will ultimately kill me in this story
a 9 year old? On the Helen thing, can she cook?
Book 1 – Achilles
– Look, everyone knows Agamemnon was asking for it when he took as his booty
the favorite daughter of one of Apollo’s priests. Once Apollo found out about
Chrysies’ abduction he dropped arrow bombs all over our Greek behinds. I had no
idea what was happening but I know this soothsayer who ended up telling me that
Apollo was behind the plagues so I confronted Agamemnon who told me to stick it
and we got in a bit of a scrap when resulted in him returning Chrysies and thus
quieting Apollo but then he decided to take my pretty abductee Briseis in her
stead. I then flew into a rage, called him a few names (was “dog-face” excessive?),
then started crying, then went and found my mom, who by the way is owed a few
favors by Zeus, who convinces Zeus to punish the Greeks (my own army by the
way) for this action. Zeus agrees, but ends up getting in a snit with his wife
Hera, who doesn’t want to help the Trojans because of Paris didn’t choose her
at the wedding. Their relationship is complicated to say the least. I decide to
withhold my legendary battle skills and await a bat signal moment because that
would make me feel much better.
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