Book 3 – Helen –
So Agamemnon and his Greeks show up to confront the Trojan army. My new
“husband” Paris, the one that Aphrodite gifted me to after he chose her over
Athena and Hera during the drunken wedding bet, starts strutting around in
front of his Trojan buddies talking about how many Greeks he’s gonna beat up,
etc, but then my old, or “real” husband, Menelaus shows up and says: “Hey pal!
Why don’t we settle this once and for all! You started this whole thing when
you took my wife (me) at that wedding! If I win, the Greeks win and you pay us
a huge ransom and if I lose, you guys win the war. By the way it’s a fight to
the death!” Mind you, I happen to know that my old husband Menelaus is a much
bigger and braver dude that Paris and, well, Paris knows this too. So Paris
decides to wimp out and make a run for it. His big brother Hector catches him,
calls him out for being a pansy and pushes him back into the one-on-one mortal
combat with Menelaus which everyone knows he can’t win. They bring me out to
watch because, why not, I have a vested interest in the outcome here since I’m
sorta the trophy. They battle some, then Menelaus overcomes Paris and starts
dragging him around by the helmet, but then Aphrodite (her again!!) intervenes,
frees Paris just before he’s about to bite it and drops him back in his palace.
Menelaus is pissed because he feels like he’s just won the war for everyone
based on the deal he made with Paris (he did, but the gods intervened) and
where the heck is Paris? He’s with me. I yell at him, taunt him a bit about
wimping out in front of my old husband. Then we make love. It’s a Trojan thing,
you wouldn’t understand.
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